Have you ever been clearly called to do something that when you do it your heart is pulled to utter despair and complete bliss all at the same time? You go from wanting to quit to absolute wonder at the blessing of the task at hand? This rollercoaster of emotions hits me almost every single day. This beautiful chaos of learning, curiosity, growing children and souls is such a privilege, I am blown away by the idea that God would entrust my husband and I to the raising of these gifts. And yet, my sinful, selfish side gets so weary and worn from the battle that I have a difficult time talking my self down from despair, knowing the task at hand is so huge, so vast, so all-consuming of my mind and time. My heart knows there is sin to wrangle, pain to endure, hardships to grapple with. I see God working daily in me to bring me thru the fire just as gold is refined thru the heat of fire seven times to get the impurities out, so too, is scorching out the impurities in my soul. My selfishness, my pride, my envy, my desire to be seen is being melted out so that Christ can shine thru in kindness, love, gentleness, humility and a servant’s heart. My heart’s true desire is to be more like Christ but I feel like such a failure each and every day as sin sneaks in and steals my joy, my wonder. My heart is under a type of open heart surgery, each and every day as God sanctifies me. And as this push and pull happens and the scalpel of God’s loving hand reshapes my soul, I must daily preach the Word to myself, preach God’s promises to myself, rest in Him and His unfailing love for me, his beloved daughter. How I long to be in His arms. Complete. Whole. Having the battle finished and resting in who He is…all the things that I am not. So I choose to be grateful today that even though my heart is constantly under construction, the pain of today will be worth the joy that is to come when I see my Savior face to face in His glory. Oh to worship at His feet and cry, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty.” I can’t wait to sing this for all eternity. So I press on in Him, battling the sin, allowing the heart surgery to continue until the day He calls me Home.
